Those Three Dreaded Words

Let's talk worry, fear, and anxiety, shall we?
HAH! Shall we not. Simply the words: worry, fear, and anxiety ignite this type of angst that is very seldomly hushed deep within. And if you're anything like me, in the presence of anxiety your body REVOLTS. Appetite? What is that? Stomach aches to the point of nausea? Yup. It happens. Worry and anxiety is something that has become all too real for me in these past months, and it's a battle I face every night going to bed, and every morning seeing a new day. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to God every morning seeing a new day, but my prayer has stayed consist throughout this time "Lord help me to face fear in the eye and show it Your face. For You know how to conquer it way better than I."

I started a new devotional not too long ago, and admittedly so, I'm not the best at keeping consistent with it. But isn't it so funny how the Lord reveals to you the things you need in that exact moment! Not the first time you've hear that, eh? BRAIN BLAST: THAT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE!

The devotional I began is a journaling devotional All in All written by Sophie Hudson. (The cover, the fact it was a journaling devotional, and the authors named really brought that one home for me). Like I mentioned, I havent been consistent so I'm only on day 13, but what do you know...in the first couple lines she writes, "sometimes I get really worried about what's down the road." HAHAHA! You do what??? That's crazy talk...who even does tha---------ME. ME. I DO THAT. And if you're like me, you probably do that too. Lately it's been, what am I going to when I'm done with grad school? Will I actually be 26 and STILL SINGLE? Am I even going to make it through grad school? Rent is due in another month (yeah that doesn't stop) am I going to get enough hours at work to make it?

Continuing on with day 13, she mentions what her pastor said at church and it is as clear as the day is night, yall. He says "Stay out of the future. [For clarification sake] Stay. Out. Of. The. Future." 

It's not our job to worry about what's down the road. As she says, worrying about the future  shows our mistrust and lack of faith in Lord. Because whether we open our eyes to it or not, He is good in all things. He knows our hearts, he knows our worries, and giiiiiiirl (or boooooooy) does he know our fears. Sometimes He likes to reveal them to us. And yes, yes it is a test. Where will you eyes and heart lay in the midst of it all?

 ...BRB. Bout to take a test I stopped studying for when I started writing this (LET'S WATCH JESUS WORK, YALL).....

Continuing on from my previous thought, Jesus is stronger and greater in it all. Rent, it's been met. Test? Made an A. Two years from now? Will reveal itself two years from now. It's been promised and guess what? It's already been planned! It's out of my hands. (Which is beautiful but also explains the anxiety part of things.....lolz....still human).

One of the best parts in this devotional is the questions that follow. You can write about them, meditate about them, pray about them, etc. The questions that follow for this one is:

• On a scale of 1-5 how big of an issue is worry for you? 
• What are you trying to control when you worry? 
• Write out, doodle, draw, Matt. 6:34. 

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself..."
Sidebar: didn't draw this. Thank you, Pinterest. 

I'm making it a goal and priority to keep these questions in my mind today, and the days that follow so when I get placed in the presences of my worries and fears, I will replace it with my faith.

FOR YOUR INFO:

For your info: here's the devotional I was referring to. Check it out at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and Apple iBooks. 

Change...What is it Good For? Maybe Actually Something???

For those that know me, you all know one thing is for pretty darn certain, change is indeed NOT my middle name. I remember one instance in particular, I was about six or seven and my dad and stepmom decided to start house hunting. We were looking at different houses one day, and I immediately shut down. I "grew up" in the house they wanted to sell (please Soph....you were seven and just really loved the pool in the backyard) how could they do this?! I remember my stepmom pulling me aside asking me what was wrong and I had heard the phrase before "I just don't like change." So I said just that knowing she couldn't get angry with my attitude. She sympathized with me and told me everything would be okay. Fast forward five years when my mom and stepdad got married. Guess who wasn't a fan *insert purple shirt emoji girl* why not? "I just didn't like change." I was hardwired at a young age to be terrified of the idea simply because I had heard a phrase and it sounded like the easiest way out of new, scary (in my immediate opinion) situations.

About a year and a half ago, my sweet friend Taylor lent me a book titled "Girl Meets Change" by Kristen Strong. I was going through some transitions, moving back to Austin, entering the work field, living and supporting myself and boy did I think I had met the pinnacle of changes. I started to read the book and for some reason my heart just was not in it. I couldn't get into it too much and wasn't exactly sure why.

Let's fast forward again. This time to May 2016 (yes it's been forever since I opened this pretty little blog). I was driving home to San Antonio from Austin for the weekend and decided to take the Hill Country route. Less traffic, pretty scenery, less traffic...sign me up. I decided to turn off the radio and just have a nice long talk with God. I was at a good spot in life. I had not one, but two fantastic jobs surrounded by people that absolutely loved me and appreciated me, I had friends that evolved into family and gave me all the support in the world, I was in a city that couldn't fit my lifestyle, and my personality more perfectly, and yet I was stuck; something didn't feel right. I asked Him to speak to me; to give me some sort of sign that I wasn't just feeling crazy. "Lord, you know what is in my heart, and you will lead me in the right direction. I believe in You, and I trust in You." I put on a song by a worship group that I had just been introduced to called Here as in Heaven by Elevation Worship. The song begins:

The atmosphere is changing now 

For the spirit of the Lord is here

The evidence is all around 

For the spirit of the Lord is here

I knew He was with me, in my car, on that ride, wanting to open up my heart and eyes and truly speak to me. The song continued on, and out of no where I began to absolutely ball and at the time I didn't understand why.

Spirit of God fall fresh on us

We need Your presence

Your kingdom come

Your will be done
Here as in heaven

For months I had toyed with the idea of going back to school. I was missing the world of athletic training, but thought surely that time in my life was over. Going back to school, meant moving, either to a different city or state and I couldn't do that. My life was figured out in Austin. **PSA: I'm actually an idiot for thinking I had my life figured out in my early twenties. HAH!**

Your will be done. Your will be done. Your will be done.
It echoed with me with the rest of the ride, I realized I was crying not because I was sad, but because I knew I was avoiding His direction the whole time and a huge CHANGE was about to come. I was going back to school, I was going to have to move. And I was scared, af. (that's what the cool kids say).

In January of 2017, I made one of the biggest decision I knew of thus far. I quit my job. I spiraled myself into the unknown world of unemployment to prepare for going back to school come June. Along with teaching bootcamps, I began nannying (for the most amazing family might I add), weekend babysitting, dogsitting, any odd job...you name it. I hustled my way to June. I kept up with my bills (by the absolute grace), was still able to maintain a social life, be my best friends maid of honor (even gracier) AND planned a move to Arlington, Texas where I would begin a Masters Program in Athletic Training.

The first Friday of June, with the help of my roommates, packed up a majority my room and on that Saturday I loaded up my car and headed north on 35. But just before I left, I looked at our bookshelf and saw that little green book staring at me; Girl Meets Change. I smiled, picked it up, and added it to my book bag. Ya'll let me tell you....I thought I met change two years ago. Living a life of employment, comfort, direction, nay. Six months ago I didn't just meet change. I dove head first in the pretty little word, and although I can't say I am 100% comfortable with the little sucker, I have come to terms with the fact that with love, support, and encouragement...it may actually be good for something.

"I must be continually ready to give up the parts of my life that God wants to replace with trust in Him, even if what I need to give up are my own expectations and continual need to be in the driver's seat of my life."                                                                      -Girl Meets Change, Kristen Strong
           
                         

Here goes nothing! ...or maybe a whole lot of something 

A quick view of my actually having downtime for once